After a Brief Hiatus

The elephant is officially back on the
"Things that make me sob uncontrollably"
list.



That is all.

Looking Forward

He said" She is acting more and more like a little kid and less like a baby."



He is right.




" We only have this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late."
- Marie Beyon Ray

A Happy Mask Was Never Your Best Disguise

The open road

Is scary and intense

Thought I could swallow it

Soon it will swallow me

I hide behind the camera lens

So they can’t see

It hurts to be different

And longing is ugly

So I focus on the good

Tiny moments in life

In hopes that one day

Those tiny moments

Will find their way

Back to me.

I wrote this in 2006 over Thanksgiving weekend. I was wrestling with a swell of feelings that ranged from anger to sadness to jealousy. Every time I would leave a family gathering I would feel so empty, so conflicted. I loved my family(ies), but it was hard watching everyone else's families growing around me while ours was only expanding with members of the four-legged persuasion. It was very hard not to harbor feelings of resentment or bitterness, and I didn't really know anyone that could relate or understand what that felt like; so much of those feelings got bottled up.

I love taking pictures, but sometimes, especially at family gatherings it felt like a way to hide, a distraction of sorts. So that when I was in the thick of it, I wouldn't let those feelings hurt someone I loved unintentionally. It is hard when you want something so much that is so hard for you to come by when others seem to be able to have it effortlessly.

And today, today is such a special day. Today is your birthday, your anniversary of your big debut into the world. We had your party early on Sunday so your Grandma T and Grandpa M could attend. And as we all watched you dig into your kitty cat cake, I took a look around at the circle of family and friends and was overcome with love. And as I froze frame after frame of your chocolate cake escapade, I saw how everyone around you could not help but be joyful. A year ago when they placed you in my arms -at 11:32 PM I finally knew, this is what it feels like - to have a child, to be a Mommy, after all this time. And when you looked at me all I could think was, "Welcome to the Club."




The Open Road is no longer a desolate place but a journey waiting to be taken.
Happy Birthday Baby Girl - you make my heart explode.

Love,

Mums

Stay in the Moment

I have always been the kind of person who always dreams of someday. I have also always been the kind of person who is too nostalgic and will reflect on times gone by. It has always been very hard for me to stay in the moment as it is happening.
I think that is why I love photography so much is that it forces me to be completely enveloped in the moment. The only problem is that I am only passively active in the moment, I see it, I am capturing it, but I am behind the lens.

The times that I do notice that I am in the moment, I try to pay strict attention because I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something...

Stay in the Moment....


Stay in the Moment...


It goes faster than you think

Don't let these moments pass you by.

I am trying to stay in the moment with you.

Love,

Mums

Make a wish

As the days of your infancy are dwindling down, I watch in awe as the baby that just one year ago was kicking inside me practically run across the room . I don't know why but the knowledge of your journey to becoming a toddler has been especially emotional one for me. This means a whole year has elapsed. A year of so many changes and milestones. Your age will now be in years, no longer weeks or months. A whole year without you inside me. I try and remember the way it felt being pregnant. A lot changes in the passing of a year and my mind has forgotten many things. I place my hand to my stomach and find it hard to remember what it felt like to have you inside. July 3 - that was my due date. That was the day you were due to make your debut in the world. One year ago today - July 3 that was my last day at work.

I remember that last day at work, your due date. I remember packing my stuff up for the day and it was then that it really hit me. The next time I walked through these doors I would be a mother, this is the last time I would be able to take you to work with me. This was the last time we would share secret moments at my desk, in meetings, with you kicking inside me. Tapping on my belly from the inside. From now on - you would be out in the world for all to see, for all to know, for all to feel. It wouldn't be "Just us" any longer.
As I drove off I was overcome with tears, I could not control it. I was full on sobbing. Life as I knew it would never be the same, my dreams were finally about to come true.

For three years I prayed for you across barren months.




I dreamed of you with waking sadness.





I wished for you on birthday candles.




Baby girl, wishes do come true.

Happy Up Here

All you need is love

All you need is love


All you need is love

Love

Love is all you need.

" You know it makes my heart beat, you know I'm happy up here."
- Royksopp

Any man can father a child, but only the love of a daddy would make a man shave his beard in hopes for a kiss from his sweet baby girl.



Happy Fathers Day, 2009

You will not remember this day

Dear Kayla,

The last six weeks have been the most stressful, life altering fast paced weeks of my life. I haven't even had a chance to sit down and record all of the things that have happened. These last six weeks have felt like six years.
At the end of April your Daddy had a kidney transplant. Your Uncle Randy agreed to undergo testing to see if he was a match earlier this year and like the unbeleiveable hero he is donated his kidney to your Daddy. Thanks to him you will never have to know what it is like to have a Daddy that is unable to play with you because he doesn't have the energy. Who is unable to eat dinner with you because he has no appetite, to have no Daddy at all. I don't want this to turn into a depressing post, I am not dwelling on all the negative things that could have been. No this post will be a celebration, not just because our lives have a new beginning with your Daddy's transplant but because today I found perspective.
I read several "Mommy" blogs and today I stumbled upon a blog about a little girl named Madeline. Madeline was born 11 weeks premature and faced several health issues because of it. On April 8, 2009 this little girl passed away and her mommy continues to blog about her legacy and reflects on their short time together.
Tears fall as I write this my precious girl - At 11 months this week you don't sleep through the night, and after weeks of a very trying emotional rollercoaster, there are times when I lose my patience with you. As I read websites and books on how most babies are sleeping through the night, as I complain about how you can walk but you can't sleep through the night - this story put everything in perspective. As your first birthday is now less than a month away I reflect about how I felt at this time last year, heavily swollen with you inside me, barely enough room for the both of us. I would wonder what my life would be with you outside of me. My heart would race with the excitement and the terror of finally becoming a parent. Today my heart leaps into my throat to stop and think about what my life would be without you. I don't know who I am without you Kayla Raye. Even though our journey to have you was a long one, and I swore it would never happen, there are days I take you for granted. Days when I am checking my email, working on pictures instead of down on the floor playing with you - making you giggle.
You will not remember this day. Today I resolve to be the Mommy you deserve. Today I stop looking to books and websites for advice and follow my own heart. Today I realize you will sleep through the night in your own time, I will give you all I have. Because I am so lucky to have these moments, they will be fleeting as you continue to grow away from me outside of me. Today is all about now, this moment, this day. Nothing is worth more than this day because I have you.
And baby makes three - our family is complete.
**To all the Mommies that have to face life with empty arms and cribs - Thank you for the strength to share your stories. They are touching and impacting lives.**