Monday, March 23, 2009

Pressure..Pushing Down on You

After my last post, I feel like I fully jinxed the situation. A couple of days after your silent night you started tugging at your ears, I took you to the doctor today. Turns out you are suffering from fluid in your ears, turns out there is no fix to drain it. You make faces of suprise from the pressure you feel in your ears, and it doesn't take much for your world to quickly come crashing down. (Like me taking the dixie cup the doctor gave you to play with out of your mouth so you don't choke -OH THE HORROR!!THANKS DOC!) In the eight and a half months of your life it seems like there has always been some challenge you have been faced with - teething, colds, fluid in the ears... with each new challenge I think we have turned the corner, I am done guessing,there is no corner in sight. Hang in there baby girl, this too shall pass.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

After the Fall

So after a couple of months have passed, I decided that I would write about the Mommy mishap I had. When I was pregnant I had this grandiose idea of what I would be like as a mom. That I would be some sort of Mother Teresa type completely transformed by you emerging from my womb.
Sadly, that transformation was not as I hoped it would be. I find myself making more mistakes than I thought I would and the event that transpired a couple of months ago was no exception.
It was a Thursday and I am lucky enough to work from home on Thursdays so I can spend time with you. I decided that we would go for a walk with the dog. It was a little chilly so rather than let you sit in the stoller, I decided to put you in your carseat that hooks on to the stoller. BUT the stroller that you carseat hooks on to happens to be in your fathers car, so I opt for the stroller that Grandma has let us borrow. (forshadowing...DUN DUN DUUUUUN)
We commence on our walk and everything seems right in the world. I am so lucky to have a dog that stays close to the stroller and a baby who had just woken up from a three hour nap, making me very productive working at home. I was on cloud nine feeling so proud of myself, like I was Super Mommy. I had it all under control. Here we are enjoying a happy afternoon stroll. We head down the small hill to the walking path that is behind our townhome complex and suddenly at the bottom of the hill the wheels on the stroller turn the wrong way and hit a bump lurching the stroller forward.
Suddenly, right before my eyes I see your car seat just flip out over the front bar of the stroller right on to the ground. I think to myself "that didn't just happen!" I look over to the side of the stroller and there you are in your carseat but it is UPSIDE FREAKIN DOWN ON THE GROUND! You aren't making any noise either, all I can say over and over again is " Oh my God, oh my god." I turn the carseat over bracing myself for the worst scenario and there you are with grass on your face and you just start screaming. Disregarding every ounce of common sense without checking you for injuries I rip you from that carseat faster than I ever have in my whole life and pull you in close. Now we are both sobbing, and I am frantically looking around to see if anyone saw me just dump my firstborn face first onto the ground. (nice huh?) There isn't a soul in sight, and Kaiya is completely oblivious to the incident that just ocurred as she continues to sniff the ground for a good place to potty. NOW is the time that I stop and pull you back so I can take a good look at you to see if you have suffered any injuries, and aside from tears and a few blades of grass on your face, there appears to be none. But now here we are at the bottom of this hill, loose dog, carseat on the ground, baby in arms and stroller on the sidewalk. How am I going to get back to the house? How am I going to tell your father that I DUMPED YOU OUT ON THE GROUND?!!?? WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SUPER MOMMY??
I was able to get you calmed down and put you in stroller and carried the carseat and dragged the dog all the way home. The whole way home I continued to cry, I had a horrible nauseating feeling - how could I have just put my baby in such danger? I couldn't get that image of you in you upside down in your carseat out of my mind. When we finally got home, I was still convinced although you weren't crying that you were most likely hurt and that I should call the doctor. As I was looking for the phone you were smiling at me and ready to play. I kept checking your pupils sure that at any random second they were going to dilate and you had suffered a closed head injury. As I began to dial the number to the doctor's office wild thoughts of social services started racing through my head, I was sure that this whole incident would launch an investigation because A SMILING BABY WATCHING ME DIALING THE PHONE MEANS THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG!!! I imagined the doctor's office receptionist picking up and saying " She fell out of WHAT? PLEASE HOLD!" as they hit the red social services button under the scheduling desk and abig red siren sounds. So instead I decide to call your father, sobbing, and as I was relaying the horrible story you were cooing and laughing in the background. He came home immediately, and well to wrap up this drama you survived with just a scare and a couple of grass blades on your face. (And no social services did not come...this time**)
Now the reason I am telling you this, is one day when you are a mom you will make mistakes. After this incident, not only did I accidentally pinch your hand in your high chair, but also zipped your neck into your snowsuit. But it was all in the name of love. On a serious note, I just want to show you that parents are people. I know we are still relatively at the beginning of your journey, and we don't know how badly we are screwing you up yet. But it is harder to admit that you can't be perfect and that you do make mistakes. And hopefully my baby girl, when you are old enough to read this, that you will be able to forgive me for mistakes that I have and will make in the future. I hope you will be able to realize that every parent does they best they can. And I vow to do the best I can for you.



**I write "this time", because they still could at some later date, you are only 11 months after all.**

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Easy Silence You Create For Me

It has been a rough couple of nights. You get up and cry hysterically for an hour for no reason. You have eight teeth, your father and I suspect that this may be it for a while. Actually, it is more of a wish. After two nights of trip after trip to your bedside, I awoke this morning to your cries only to find that it was no longer night but morning!!!
Now this isn't the first time that you have done this, which says to me that you are fully capable of sleeping through the night. (Totally dispelling my "sleeping through the night is a myth" theory) I just want to know how do we make this happen again? It seems lightning does strike twice at our house, but just not in the same week!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sometimes I just want it to slow down

You have been in my life offically for eight months. I say "officially" because I count the moment you were concieved as the real moment you entered my life, however they don't put that date on the birth certificate. I can't count the times people have told me, "it goes by so fast" but now I really know what that means.
Before becoming a parent, I can truly say I never knew what it was like to really put myself out there. Now that there is this beautiful girl out in the world that is partly me, I have never felt more vulnerable; or alive. I am not discounting every experience that I have had up to this moment, just realizing my own mortality. Not only have I made a mark on the world, now suddenly the world has made it's mark on me. I am out there..really out there. You are the heart on my sleeve.
The nine month journey to bring you to this outside world was filled with happiness and anticipation. I can't believe the child that grew within me, is growing so fast away from me, outside of me. Some mornings I feel like I can still feel you inside me, kicking with anticipation to join the world outside. And then I realize it is you...sleeping next to me kicking for more room STILL.
Eight months, eight teeth, I just want to capture things as I can remember. So I won't forget this journey.
Love, Mums