Wednesday, June 10, 2009

You will not remember this day

Dear Kayla,

The last six weeks have been the most stressful, life altering fast paced weeks of my life. I haven't even had a chance to sit down and record all of the things that have happened. These last six weeks have felt like six years.
At the end of April your Daddy had a kidney transplant. Your Uncle Randy agreed to undergo testing to see if he was a match earlier this year and like the unbeleiveable hero he is donated his kidney to your Daddy. Thanks to him you will never have to know what it is like to have a Daddy that is unable to play with you because he doesn't have the energy. Who is unable to eat dinner with you because he has no appetite, to have no Daddy at all. I don't want this to turn into a depressing post, I am not dwelling on all the negative things that could have been. No this post will be a celebration, not just because our lives have a new beginning with your Daddy's transplant but because today I found perspective.
I read several "Mommy" blogs and today I stumbled upon a blog about a little girl named Madeline. Madeline was born 11 weeks premature and faced several health issues because of it. On April 8, 2009 this little girl passed away and her mommy continues to blog about her legacy and reflects on their short time together.
Tears fall as I write this my precious girl - At 11 months this week you don't sleep through the night, and after weeks of a very trying emotional rollercoaster, there are times when I lose my patience with you. As I read websites and books on how most babies are sleeping through the night, as I complain about how you can walk but you can't sleep through the night - this story put everything in perspective. As your first birthday is now less than a month away I reflect about how I felt at this time last year, heavily swollen with you inside me, barely enough room for the both of us. I would wonder what my life would be with you outside of me. My heart would race with the excitement and the terror of finally becoming a parent. Today my heart leaps into my throat to stop and think about what my life would be without you. I don't know who I am without you Kayla Raye. Even though our journey to have you was a long one, and I swore it would never happen, there are days I take you for granted. Days when I am checking my email, working on pictures instead of down on the floor playing with you - making you giggle.
You will not remember this day. Today I resolve to be the Mommy you deserve. Today I stop looking to books and websites for advice and follow my own heart. Today I realize you will sleep through the night in your own time, I will give you all I have. Because I am so lucky to have these moments, they will be fleeting as you continue to grow away from me outside of me. Today is all about now, this moment, this day. Nothing is worth more than this day because I have you.
And baby makes three - our family is complete.
**To all the Mommies that have to face life with empty arms and cribs - Thank you for the strength to share your stories. They are touching and impacting lives.**


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